Break Up (Immortality burden - Chapter 2)

Magnus was laying down on the floor of his apartment, circling the recent events of his foolish abandonment of Alec. He couldn’t seem to forget Alec’s trembling in his arms or his decomposed face, as if the world didn’t hold no meaning anymore. He closed his eyes, feeling heavily pinned to the floor by his long years, unable to grasp the nightmare he was living in. He knew he had been wrong… his own misery told him enough about his obvious lack of sense. Although, he couldn’t believe any repair would come out of this mess. His phone ringed regularly and briefly since the events and he knew it was Alec. He had to fight the urge, every time, to pick it up and sob a half-hour apology to his ex-lover, to let him know how pathetic he felt because no matter what Alec would do, he still wanted him by his side. He never thought that 800 years of partners would leave him as unharmed as a baby in front of a real-shared love. He didn’t even know he never felt it before until he realised what losing it meant. Even Chairman Meow’s comforting purring couldn’t lead him out of his despair. He was prey to these anguished thoughts when a small knock echoed in his mind.

He lay frozen, his heartbeat racing wildly, hoping and fearing it would be Alec, coming to beg him forgiveness and… he just didn’t think he could handle that. It knocked again and he heard a voice that drowned him further into desperation. It was not Alec.

    -       Magnus? Magnus, it’s Simon. Can we talk? I…hmm… I would have some questions if… if you don’t mind.

Magnus opened his eyes and was asking himself what he should do. Should he drive Simon away or try, very subtly, to get some news of Alec? Maybe Simon would know… Exasperated with his own incapacity and vulnerability, Magnus stood up and went to the door, opening it brutally and staring down Simon’s startled figure. He snapped at him with ferocity.

    -       What do you want, vampire? I’m not available for your every need anymore. Maybe you should get some updates of our current situation with Alec. I’m sick of your petty little problems that I have to fix because you’re all too stupid to stay away from them in the first place.

Simon looked at him, shocked and slightly open-mouthed. Then, surprisingly, his features reformed in a mask of determination that Magnus rarely saw him wear.

    -       My problems aren’t petty and you’re the only one able to answer them. Unless, you consider immortality insignificant, you should let me come in. We need to talk, if not for my sake, do it to save you troubles you might have in the future from an amateur immortal.

Surprised by his vehemence, Magnus removed himself from the doorway and let Simon come in, poker face and casual attitude all back in place.

    -       Why aren’t you asking your questions to Raphael, who’s your leader, the way it should be done? Warlocks and vampires don’t often give each other social calls. By coming here, you put yourself apart even more and it won’t be good for you on the long run.

    -       Raphael hates me and I cannot trust him to give me the answers I need. Besides telling me to live as a vampire or that I should die, because I’m abnormal, he hasn’t been of much use with my condition. You, on the other end, know what it means to be tied to human world and suffer the burden of immortality at the same time. I want to know how you do it.

Simon had crossed his arms all through his speech and had blush a little when he talked about his ties to human world. Dubiously, Magnus could only see this new need of knowledge as a direct result of his evolving relation with Isabelle. If Simon, before, didn’t want to be conscious of his upending immortality, he seemed now afraid of what it really meant and how to deal with it. Of course, he had come to Magnus. He had been the first one to make him see what his new state had dropped on his head.

Even if Magnus understood all that, he couldn’t find it in himself to help Simon. What could he tell him? Most of his choices had driven him to even worst situations. He certainly wasn’t the good person to go to for advices. He walked to his couch, today a black sectional classic thing that fitted his mood. He plopped down on it and sighed deeply, looking at Simon, no poker face holding on his features anymore. His now ravaged expression definitely made Simon uneasy, shifting and fidgeting. His face somber, he told him what he now believed.

    -       No answers that I could give you will be valuable, Simon. You shouldn’t ask advices from someone who lived 800 years empty and without meaning, who believes it’s the way it is. Mistakes are my every day lot. You don’t want that for yourself, trust me. In fact, you should forget immortality altogether and choose to die when you want, with your friends.

Simon looked confused and for a moment, Magnus saw a flash of compassion in them. This last feeling seemed to overcome his first uneasiness and it’s with a surprising wisdom that he said these words:

    -       There’s no mistakes that can’t be fixed. For instance, you remember my name now, he smiled. If my time as a mortal learned me something is that you can’t delay fixing those mistakes… You never know when it will be too late.

Magnus felt like he had been hit by a running train. If it was possible, he felt even more desperate in front of Simon’s speech. With a choked voice, trying to contain himself, he said:

    -       Some mistakes can’t be fixed Simon. Yes I remember your name, vampire! Mistakes sometimes can’t be fixed, not unless you’re willing to deprive others or make the situation worse than it is already. Some things aren’t supposed to be…

Simon narrowed his eyes and a thoughtful expression crossed his features. It seemed like he had forgot the purpose of his being here. He came by the couch, gently settled himself on it and his hand came up, hovering for a second over Magnus’s shoulder. Maybe intimidated, he drew it back and sighed.

    -       If you’re talking about you breaking up with Alec, I do not agree.

Seeing Magnus’s surprised face, he added this:

    -       Yes I know… not because he told me but because I guessed. To go back to the subject at hand, I do not agree because I believe nothing better ever happened to you and Alec then falling for each other. Maybe it’s hard but all good things are.

Magnus’s face found back his somber expression and an angry stare took place of his previous desperation.

    -       You wanted to talk about immortality, fine, we’ll talk about it.

His features hardened, for once expressing all his contained angst in front of his pain.

    -       Immortality is a nightmare. Although it stretches your time in this world, it takes everything else from you. I’ve seen empires grow and fall, civilizations wiped out, others evolving and then, suffering. The face of this world change so often through all of your years that you become as unchanging as a stone, more even, unable to grip any living essence. You learn to love and to loose. But, most of all, you learn that your existence is pointless.

He stopped for a few second, his ache obvious from his eyes and words.

    -       Even with all the powers I withstand and even though I tried, you cannot change the course of life. It’s an unstoppable wheel and you’re damned to watch it roll, never part of it and never able to escape it.

Magnus kept his hold on Simon’s eyes and as the flow of words carried on, his gaze became more and more intense.

    -       So please, Simon, don’t come here telling me to fix my mistakes for I know one thing… I won’t be able to erase my past, won’t be able to stop it hurting Alec and even the sacrifice of my immortality won’t make him believe he is all to me.

His words struggled on that but then, some barrier broke up and he was almost shouting.

    -       I CANNOT CHANGE WHAT I AM, WHAT I HAVE BEEN! No mortals can handle the heaviness of immortality. It’s too big for them to behold. They feel crushed by the immensity of it and if there’s one thing humans hates, it’s when you retrieve them from their feeling of eternity.

His voice grew pleading as Simon looked peaceful and standing his ground.

    -       When Alec looks at me, he sees the man he loves but also his own end. When he hears about my past and long years, he only sees his insignificance… How am I to make him see his personal shine, how am I to make him believe that what I cherish is his capacity to devour life and fiercely embrace it due to its short term, due to his own death?

For a moment Simon looked infinitely sad and Magnus felt his eyes watering, giving his cat’s gaze a glassy shine. He couldn’t stop the words that escaped his mouth; he had kept them too long, remote from his everyday life.

    -       How am I to tell him that, if empires fall, humanity enfolds divinity? Through all the years, I haven’t been captivated by civilization but by the human’s will to never give up, to hold on to their brief life and achieve greatness, in good or bad. Their need of remembrance is stronger than anything in this world… and as time passes Simon, you, just like me, will loose this sparkle, you’ll loose humanity and you’ll be drawn to mortals so you can feel alive again, feels this passion takes over… But it will fade, emptying you as they’re leaving, leaving you and their life… they become no more than dust. Only you will remain to acknowledge their passage through time.

He swallowed heavily and turned hurt eyes to Simon, murmuring now.

    -       That’s immortality; pain, loss and emptiness. I cannot change the course of life and I cannot change Alec. Why should I make us both suffer by burdening him with those feelings? This awful dread that every year add up to my bones? How could I look at myself in the mirror knowing what being with me will do to him? He will soon hates me for sharing this immortal view of life, the uselessness of it all. He's a shadowhunter, he lives for meaning, with a goal. My immortality is the anthesis of that. It's sickening and I don't want to ruin him with my bitterness. He's too perfect for that...

Magnus, breathless, stopped short, emotions overwhelming him. To his great shame, he felt a tear roll down his face. He didn’t want anyone to behold his misery. He had lived long enough with it, he could keep doing it. As he tried to turn away, he felt Simon lays a hand on his shoulder, even though before he had withdrawn.

He looked at him and was amazed to see the vampire wearing the serene mask of those who saw the worst and could still believe good would prevail. Magnus never knew Simon had so much faith… faith that he had been lacking when it had come to deal with losses. Maybe Simon was the one most equipped to deal with immortality after all…

    -       You should go through suffering and loss because you love him. Because Alec loves you and that you should trust him, trust his judgment…

Magnus snapped at that.

    -       He’s the one who didn’t trust me! He tried to shorten my life and to decide for myself what should be done.

By then, Magnus was struggling to find his breath, ashamed of his uncontrolled reactions. Simon looked at him with his brows furrowed and somewhat of pity in his eyes. He stiffened, pride wounded and walked quickly to gaze through the window, arms crossed.

    -       Did you ever give him a chance to trust you? Did you ever think that, maybe, he was the cure to your biterness, that he would be the one giving you meaning? Did you ever tried to explain him what you just told me? Trust goes both way Magnus. If you just enfolded Alec in your love but never gave him your whole self, how is it possible for him to don’t think himself insignificant in your eyes, immortality or not?

Magnus fidgeted, uncomfortable about hearing his own doubts into someone else’s mouth. Didn’t he think himself that he had his own responsibility in Alec’s irrational behavior? Although…

    -       He never could handle it when I talked to him about my past. It was driving him half-mad with jealousy… How could I believe he could handle any of my feelings for immortality, about life? How could he help me with the heavy burden of it?

Simon was bending down, elbows resting on his knees and fingers entangled. He raised his head to look at Magnus, who had turned away from the window.

    -       I never heard you speak of your life with anything else than lightness and carelessness Magnus. Maybe it is you who needs this uncaring attitude to keep going through the years. But it sure denies mortals their furious need to count, to be part of something, as you said. Although, I can’t understand why someone so deep and filled with a love of life so fierce can throw it out like that… Why are you hiding Magnus? Is it the lack of courage of the fear of the pain?

Magnus stayed mute, remote and head down, arms still crossed. Simon sighed, stood up himself and passed a hand in his hair absentmindedly.

    -       You know, I was scared for years to tell Clary I loved her, it was choking me every hour of the day. When I finally said it, pushed by urgency, I felt a huge relief… Even though she hurted me by her refusal. I found out that it didn’t change anything to the love I felt. She toyed with me awfully but I still have affection for her because I accepted my faith. I refused her games and by embracing my life, I’ve been able to overcome the loss and better, to maybe find someone who might be there for me, that I would never have looked at before… He blushed lightly. Well, at least not seriously.

Magnus looked at him confused and a bit impatient. He didn’t see the point of this confession with his problem. Simon scratched his head, trying to be clearer.

    -       What I mean is that you don’t get anything by doing nothing. Clary didn’t see me as a potential partner because I never showed her what I felt. Magnus, Alec didn’t trust you because you didn’t trust him. He got jealous because you never gave him the chance to know how deep is your love and how much you care. He thought about shortening your life because he’s desperate for himself to be what you are to him: everything.

Magnus felt himself shuddering and he whispered quietly:

    -       But he is…

Simon’s expression hardened.

    -       Then show him. Give him what you want him to give you. Immortality’s burden is what you make of it. If you hadn’t withdraw of life to lessen your pain, you would know that, feel it. Life, no matter how long, is good only when you accept its embrace, its gift.

They both stayed silent for a long moment after this, looking at each other, eyes to eyes, tasting the meaning of what they had shared. Simon saw Magnus’s face flit from feelings to feelings. He saw the confusion, the pain, uncertainty, fear and finally... maybe some hope. At this point, he beamed himself and suddenly, embarrassment came over. Magnus cleared his throat and said:

    -       If you know so much about immortality and life, why did you come here, to ask me?

Simon’s eyes crinkled in amusement and he laughed briefly, sheepish.

    -       I lied. I came here to see you, thinking I could help. After all, as you once said, one day there’ll be just the two of us.

Both of them burst out in laughter, embarrassment and sadness forgotten. Magnus smiled, as he hadn’t in a while.

    -       Maybe I should call Alec…

Simon smiled too, sharing the intimate moment.

    -       I think you should, he said, a huge grin spreading on his face.