Kissed : The Beginning (Chapter 17)

Chapter 17 : Love’s Worth

The sky was gloomy and the night was dark. The trees that were so colorful in their autumn’s coat when the sunlight hit them were now stretching their shadows ominously over a small hunched silhouette, barely visible on the pathways of the silent park. Alec had wandered in their solitude for what felt like hours. Maybe it had been. But the world didn’t look its usual way in this eerie glow, it seemed to settle down and watch him in silence, whispering accusations and shivering in disgust. And they were right.

‘I think we should stop seeing each other’, ‘I won’t play second place forever’, ‘You need to figure out what you want’... These words were circling his mind, haunting him, tearing him and slicing open his heart. He deserved all of them. How could he pretend to love the beautiful warlock when he couldn’t allow Magnus in his life for all to see ? By the Angel, he denied him three times, and that was only to Jace. If he had been in a humourous mood, he could have drawn a parallel with the Apostle Peter who disowned Jesus Christ... For sure Magnus’s ego would be more than flattered to be compared to the prophet. But he wasn’t feeling humourous at all.

He sat on a bench, on the side of the road. He contemplated his life, what he had been and what he could be tomorrow. He thought about Valentine and how his life’s thread was more precarious now than it had ever been. Most of all, he thought about his lover, the few weeks they had had together, about his love... What about it? What was it worth? Hadn’t he been happier now than ever before in his life, even with everything else falling apart?

Did he loved Magnus enough to risk everything for him? Could he throw it all away? That was the question he should answer to... the one that mattered. And yet, he couldn’t figure it out. He was sitting there wondering, after he had left the Institute, where he had stayed long enough to report to his mother, and had walked right back out. He couldn’t handle the shadows of his room, the ones that spoke of Magnus’s presence... was it only the night before ? When they had swore to hold each other in their fears ? To be there for each other ? It seemed so far away, like a dream that his lovesick’s mind had created. Now there was just the hurt look in his lover’s eyes, his words that told him that they should leave it there. But then Alec hadn’t kept his promise. He had dropped Magnus when he was the most in need. When he had needed Alec to accept him just as he had done the night before.

Alec started to hyperventilate, clutching at his chest that was so filled with pain, spasming and racing, unable to believe it was over. Would he let it go ? What was it that he wanted ? Cold sweats dripped down his forehead... he knew what he wanted. He wanted Magnus forever, no matter the consequences. When his brain formed those words, his body jerked violently... Really ? No matter what would happen ? And then, his breathing eased, relaxing in the idea.

He thought about all that could go wrong. What if he was stripped of his marks ? Could he live like a mundane ? Going to school, working, probably not seeing his siblings, although with Jace and Izzy, he doubted that would happens... Being stripped of his identity for the High Warlock of Brooklyn, could he do it ? He pondered that for some moments and... then, it was so clear. Yes, yes he could. If Magnus would stay by him, he would, without a second glance. His shoulders eased of their tension. Yes he could do that.

Now... the real problem. Could he still leave his life even if Magnus didn’t love him ? If this would be a short-term bliss ? Until the warlock got tired of him and moved on ? It was a possibility and one that Alec had feared ever since he acknowledged his love for the warlock.

He thought back to all their great moments ; the first time their eyes had met at this awful party, how he had been amazed by his beauty, how he couldn’t help himself to be drawn to him, when they had spoke, how he had felt like he was awakening from a long sleep, basking in the warlock’s warmth, the disbelief when he had requested him to call him, his fear to do so, the morning he had finally opened his eyes after hours of suffering, the fuzzy image of Magnus, all golden from the sun behind him, his tired smile and how his heart had fluttered, their first kiss, the way he had felt like falling, fainting and breathing for the first time, their first date, their laughters and intimacy, already so strong, their first night, his lover’s soft embrace and care, how he hadn’t want to rush him but Alec had been so convinced, so willing, that this was right... that he wanted nothing more than be loved by this beautiful man, he had wanted Magnus to be his first. His last. How could he have been so blind then ? His heart was already singing for the beautiful warlock, only for him. And then he had kept distant, even when each embraces and each moans from their shared pleasure were taking his heart away, more every time. Each time, he gave himself over and over. Without even knowing it. How could he not give their relationship his all ? He loved Magnus Bane. Would he stop loving the warlock even if it wouldn’t last ? Even if his lover never came to share his feelings ?...

No, this was it for him.

He would take all that he could get. Yes, he was scared. Yes, he was afraid to give himself without ever being loved back. And most of all, yes, he was afraid to be disowned and rejected by the only persons who ever claimed to love him. At least, he had Izzy. But, as he once thought, he was tired of denying himself. He wanted to be happy. Even if for a little while. Even if his life would be torn outside out, he would be himself and love. There was nothing wrong with love. And Magnus was love to him. That’s what mattered. He wouldn’t be ashamed anymore.

When the small silhouette unfolded from the cold bench, stretching and alive with his new resolution, the sun came up, lighting the sky with the purple colors of the morning, promising a new day, a new life.

When the tall man ran away on the concrete pathways, the fiery trees were alight with bright colors, sharpened by the cold air, shivering in an odd laughter, as if their tasks had been accomplished.

Alexander Lightwood was going back home. Home to Magnus Bane.

***

Magnus’s pov

Magnus stared dejectedly into space. He had been sitting there, on Luke’s couch for what felt like eternity, and he knew about how long time could be. He had invented some silly excuse to stay here, mentioning his patients’s health, even though he knew both Luke and Maia would be just fine. But he couldn’t go back to his flat... where Alec’s scent and presence lingered. Where Jace would probably press him for more questions. And he didn’t know what to tell the shadowhunter anymore. He didn’t think he could hold it any longer. His love for Alec was struggling him and it needed release. Even if his blue-eyed angel didn’t want him. No, he wanted Jace. Bloody Jace.

Magnus closed his eyes under the pain of his heart, clenching the armchairs of the couch. How pathetic could he get? He heard the blond shadowhunter sit down on the piano bench, caressing the ivory keys in longing, playing some sad music. At least, he wasn’t the only one with a broken heart. He was so exhausted, by everything. He had told Jace that the spell that bound them together had ran out and that he couldn’t hold onto it anymore, tired as he was and making him swear to stay here, to not get him into more trouble than he was already. He didn’t need the obnoxious boy to make his life more of a living hell than it was already.

His mind had kept wandering to Alec, as he was unable to accept his defeat somehow. Obviously, Alec had been clear enough. He didn’t even ask him to have sex right beside his brother, just to come home with him, to give him the place Magnus thought he deserved in the shadowhunter’s life. Was it so hard to accept him completely? Weren’t they boyfriends? Hadn’t they swear to be there for each other? Well, he knew how that had played out... As soon as real commitment had been required, Alec had hidden, ran away like a little mouse, back in his hole. Magnus groaned, exasperated. Could Alec blame him for his harsh words? He had his pride after all... He couldn’t keep on chasing someone who didn’t want him, could he?

Just the fact that he questionned his actions were answer enough. He couldn’t give up on Alec. But he could wait... and he would. The boy needed to know what he wanted exactly. He would give him space, time... he had plenty of time. Maybe his angel would come back to him. He hoped, that’s all he could do.

He felt Clary sitting down aside him, trying to stir up a conversation. After some minutes of barely answering, she got tired of him and went to bed, leaving him, Jace and Luke, already snoring, in the living room. Simon had left a while ago, probably to feed, who knew. Magnus didn’t really care. He stretched his long legs on the couch, still too small for him, but he did need to rest a little. His magic was at its lowest and sleep was the best help to get it back quickly. He looked out to Jace, still playing, and they shared a glance, Magnus stern and Jace indifferent... He supposed that’s the best he could get from the blond boy.

Magnus closed his eyes, blue eyes filling his vision, carefree laughter and warm strong arms enfolding him. He could almost believe that Alec was there with him, that everything was just fine, that his lover would always be there for him. The only thing that denied his subconscious was the lingering slow sad music filling his ears, speaking of heartbreak and solitude.

He fell asleep with a loving heart and a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

***

Alec’s pov

He was so nervous ans somewhat excited. He was waiting in a doughnuts’s place, just like a mundane, buying some for everyone at Luke’s house. He could have gone to Taki’s but then Alec had wanted to feel a bit of the mundane life, feel the pulse of what a worry-free atmosphere could be. He was enjoying it actually. Seeing all those people in a hurry, talking and laughing, waiting for their coffee or breakfast. It was so far from his everyday life. But then again, he said he could do it and standing there in line, ordering food and acting normal... it was resfreshing and he liked it. He only missed Magnus.

His features fell into a somber mask. He hoped he could fix things with his boyfriend. Now that he knew he couldn’t be without him, knowing Magnus could reject him was unbearable. He walked out of the mundane’s restaurant and started his way back to Luke’s house, butterflies knotting in his stomach.

Soon enough, he was on the front porch, hovering in silent anxiety, listening to the jumble of voices inside. It seemed like everyone was awake. He was gathering his courage to knock when he heard a voice calling him.

    -        “Alec! Alec, what are you doing here? I thought you left to the Institute yesterday?” Jace said, somewhat out of breath.

Alec looked back to his brother, eyes narrowing. He should be the one asking Jace that question. He was prisoner of the Clave, after all. Alec could only hope that his stubborn brother hadn’t done anything stupid or reckless. Jace probably caught his expression as he explained himself.

    -        “I went for a walk, I couldn’t sleep.” He then smiled mischievously but with a challenging gleam in his eyes. “Don’t worry, I didn’t get your beloved warlock in trouble.”

Alec blushed furiously, his mouth all-ready to deny, by pure habit but... he contained himself. He didn’t answer Jace but he didn’t deny either. Jace raised both of his eyebrows in question and Alec blushed even more wildly. He cleared his throat and cast his eyes downward.

    -        “We... hm... we should go in. They’re probably looking for you.” He whispered, a bit angry with himself. Well, he hadn’t contradicted his parabatai about Magnus’s place in his life but when would he be able to acknowledge it? Damn fear gnawing at his guts.

Alec sighed deeply, trying to comfort himself in this little step. Baby steps as his lover would say. It was better then nothing. He followed Jace inside, barely listening to  his obnoxious brother already complaining about the heavy atmosphere hovering in Luke’s small house. No, he had eyes only for his beautiful warlock.

Magnus was sitting facing him, quickly trying to hide behind the back of the couch, the towel that had been wrapped around his hair a second ago, almost blushing. It brought a small smile to Alec’s lips. Was his lover shy in front of him? How odd. Shy was definitely not a definition he would have for Magnus Bane. And Magnus was beautiful, no matter how, even now with his wet hair, straight and unglittered. Beautiful. But then, all his thoughts ran dry as the green-gold cat’s eyes hooked him up. They lost themselves in each other’s eyes, speaking of their longing, of their need, of their fears and Alec’s heart was flying, racing. He still had a chance.

God, he loved Magnus Bane... And he would tell him, sooner than later. No matter the consequences.