Kissed : The Beginning (Chapter 20)

Chapter 20 : Abandoned

The following day after the battle had been somewhat of a blur to Alec. He had seen the day rise to a complete wreck, unremembering how the boat had collapsed. Everybody was buzzing about the fact that they hadn’t found Valentine’s body in the dark waters but it hadn’t surprised Alec at all. The man was too fine a shadowhunter to just drown, unlike Alec. If it hadn’t been for Magnus, he would be dead by now. Everything was falling apart, what with the Inquisitor’s craziness, Jace’s faulty incrimination, the barely winned battle against Valentine and all the loss they had suffered. The pyres had been going for the first two days and he hadn’t been able to attend to most of them.

Alec was still exhausted from his near drowning but his state of health wasn’t what preoccupied his mind at the moment. What had him confused, angry, distressed and most of all, panicking, was the fact that his boyfriend, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, was... avoiding him.

At least, that’s what Alec was now convinced of. Even if he was new at this dating game, he couldn’t hide it from himself much longer. He hadn’t seen Magnus in four days. And it was killing him. He liked to comfort himself in the fact that his lover answered his calls but, let’s face it, it was wishful thinking... It had started by the « I’m tired, I need to have some time to rest, love. We’ll see each other soon, alright? » Then the answers to his questions had become snarky ; « I still have a job to do Alexander, I can’t be available everytime you feel the need of a quick shag. » And now, what got him really scared, the replies were simply... indifferent. « I’m busy Alec. You can’t come here now. »

What had he done? What was happening? Valentine was still on the loose, they were all sure of it, but all he could worry about was that his boyfriend grew to become, more and more of... a stranger. What if he had lost Magnus? He could never forgive himself. He had known that Magnus was tired, for sure, having saved and healed him and then, as the wonderful person he was, having patched up the shadowhunters that had needed it after the battle. He shouldn’t have been so demanding but after his near-death experience, being able to tell Magnus how he felt, what he had intended of doing for him and most of all, being close to him to relish in the comfort of his embrace had been on the top of his priority list. It seemed like it wasn’t the same for his lover though... Anxiety and panic stirred within him again.

The Lightwoods were supposed to leave for Idris the week after and Alec couldn’t think about not seeing Magnus before he left. Who knew how long they would be at the shadowhunter’s capital? So much time he would spent apart his loved one and with so much unsaid things between them. Feuds, hurt, sadness, untold feelings, ferocious needs and definitely, love unexpressed... at least on Alec’s part. But he had grown at peace with his love not being returned. He didn’t mind as much anymore. He just wanted Magnus to be happy, as much as a plain 18 years old shadowhunter could make him. He had swore himself that he would take what his boyfriend would give him, no matter how small or short-timed. Because Magnus Bane was worth it. He was worth all the sacrifices, the pain and the rejection, even if Alec’s love wouldn’t be returned.

Alec looked at the sun going down on the fourth day he had been apart from his lover through his bedroom’s window. He sighed deeply, wondering what to do. For a lack of better idea, he picked up his cell phone and dialed the familiar number again, hoping to have a warm welcome this time. He craved for Magnus’s purring tone and sultry behavior. He had missed it so much. They hadn’t had a moment for themselves in what felt like forever.

The phone rang and rang and rang and... the bip of the voicemail announced itself.

    -        « You have reached the Magnificent Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn. As you seem to have my personnal phone number, this better be worth it or else I might end up turning you into a toad. Make it fabulous! » The sassy voice of his boyfriend said, sending wanton shivers along Alec’s spine. He really needed to see Magnus. He left a brief message.

    -        « Magnus, it’s me. » Then doubts and insecurity got a hold of Alec and he hesitated over the next words. « I mean... it’s Alec... your boyfriend? » He cursed himself for the inquiring tone he had put in his words. Magnus wasn’t going to leave him. Was he? « Hum... I just really need to speak to you... well, see you in fact... I have something important to discuss. Please call me back ok? » The last words had been outed in a horrendous pleading way, almost begging.

Alec hung up with a heavy sigh. He would not give up, not yet. Maybe tomorrow... maybe tomorrow Magnus would answer and then, they could see each other and he would talk... and everything would be fine.

Alec sat down on his bed, his hands craddling his head suddenly as an impending feeling of dread filled him. There was something very wrong and... he didn’t know what to do about it. He felt like he had lost the beautiful warlock already.

Some glistening tears rolled down his cheeks. He dried them savagely, unwilling to give up yet. He wouldn’t let himself wallow in his fears and act beat up without a fight.

If Magnus wouldn’t answer him tomorrow, he would invite himself up to the Brooklyn’s flat. He had a key after all... He would use it.

***

Magnus’s pov

Magnus had listened to every message, to every failed attempt from his lover to ask a spare moment in his “heavy” schedule, just to have some time with his boyfriend. If Magnus had been able to play along at the beginning, every call, every sound of Alec’s sad voice had tore his heart apart and soon, his composure had failed him, leaving him reduced to snarky comments and petty attitude. Now, he didn’t even trust himself to pick up the phone without crying and begging for Alec to come running so he could be shaken up from his awful mind meanderings, listing all the reasons why his love was doomed.

Alec was in love with Jace.

Alec was scared to acknowledge himself being gay, to tell his parents or Jace.

Alec was terrified to come out to the Clave. And maybe he was right...

Alec had denied them being together so often that he even doubted it himself.

Alec mostly required his presence to help his stupid reckless shadowhunters friends.

Alec didn’t love him... and probably never would. He winced painfully at that one.

Magnus hadn’t come this close to death since a century. Forgetting again his painfully gained neutrality for some ungrateful shadowhunters. But Alec, Alec was grateful... most of the time. 

But Magnus was immortal, he had lived fully. But Alec...

Alec would die.

And he wasn’t sure he could cope with that.

Maybe he could have handled it if his love would have been returned, and god does Magnus knew he was being selfish there, but seeing Alec falling to his death more certainly everytime, and knowing the blue eyed boy would keep asking Magnus’s help to behold these suicidal missions, making him witness what was his worst nightmare over and over again... without even being able to declare his love to the one that had stolen everything from him with his shy smile, was unbearable. And this time, he couldn’t grasp how to bear it.

For once in his ten lifetimes, his love and affection wasn’t under control. His jealousy had flared to peaks he hadn’t ever felt before, unable to contain his loathing toward Jace, as victim as Magnus when you thought about it objectively. But Magnus wasn’t objective anymore. He was angry, hurt, betrayed, sad, depressed, longing, fiercely in love and... hopeless.

Alec kept playing him as an instrument, throwing him in fits of swooning to then drag him down in the deepest pits of hell. And all of that without even knowing it. Although, Magnus did want to be played by his blue eyed lover but he wanted more. He wanted to be owned too and to share this love that would soon struggle him. He didn’t want to be standing aside, holding on to his lover’s life so he would look his way one day, maybe. He didn’t want to tremble in fear of losing the most important person in his life without hearing these three words that would make it worth it all...

It was better to leave it now before he grew too attached. How could you grow more attached? His snarky mind told him. You’re already crazy about the boy... But he ignored this. Maybe that way he would be able to save some remnants of his heart. And maybe, maybe... Alec would come back to him. In one week, in a month, in a half-year, in ten years... He didn’t really care, he had time.

Magnus sighed deeply, hopelessness tainting his love stricken heart. He could at least try to contain himself from answering the phone...

He spent the whole day staring at the small device ringing and ringing, taunting him. He listened to the message over and over... but he didn’t pick up.

When he left to bed, he hoped his dreams would let him sleep peacefully. But it was wishful-thinking. As soon as he closed his lids, blue eyes and blushes filled his mind.

***

Alec’s pov

When Alec opened his eyes lids after a restless sleep, he reached out for his cell phone even before he felt fully awake. As he glanced at the blank normal screen, he felt his heart sank. Magnus hadn’t called. He had a sudden urge to cry and barely kept himself together. Swallowing his fears, he dialed the number again.

When he came to the same result, he almost threw his phone away... but contained himself. Magnus would call. He knew it.

The young man went through his day in a sort of daze, doing the usual motions in mechanical numbness. He kept checking his phone and calling his lover regularly. When Jace asked him to spar, he agreed half-heartedly. After an hour of pinning him to the ground without effort, his parabatai got sick of him and stormed out of the training room, upset. Alec couldn’t get himself to care.

5 days... His skin was now crawling with need. He was so desperate that he had almost came out to his parents and Jace more time then he could count. The only thing that had saved him was the busy faces his parents had wore for the most part of the day.

In an attempt to change his mind, Alec wandered in his room, mindlessly roaming through his drawers and closet, packing his bags slowly for Idris. He watched the sun go down on yet another day, zoning out regularly as he kept forgetting what he was meant to do. Packing just brought upfront the reality of his near departure and bile rose up in his throat at the idea of leaving without clearing the air with his boyfriend.

When it was time for diner, Alec had given up his act and was sitting on his bed, staring dumbly through his window. His body felt hyperactive, as if begging him to just do something already. He looked down at his phone again, clutched within his cold fingers and suddenly, the sight of the silent screen surged him into action.

He ran to the shower, clothes flying around. He scorched himself with the boiling spray, scratching his skin with more force than necessary and left the heated room only when his skin turned a reddish color, silent witness of his brutal treatment. He spent an indefinite amount of time in front of his closet, trying to find some outfit that could be deem acceptable of a young man who wished to seduce his boyfriend instead of the holes-filled scraps worthy of a homeless that was his usual attire.

He threw on the only pair of jeans and sweater that didn’t adorned holes and afterward, tried to fix/comb his hair. After minutes of fruitless attempts, he growled in frustration and dumped the enraging comb back in his scarcely opened bathroom cabinet. With a blush, he did picked up his rarely used cologne and sprayed some on his clothes, embarrassed with his efforts in pampering.

He glanced at himself in the mirror, sighed with defeat and deemed himself ready. Magnus Bane would not keep ignoring him. He would ask his boyfriend what all of this was about and they would talk. It was about time they did and Alec was ready to do so.

He felt light-headed when he left the Institute, eager to see his lover and if he appreciated the tingling coursing through his body, the excitement running in his veins, he was confident enough in his self-control to know that the evening would end well after a well-deserved discussion between the two men...

***

Magnus’s pov

Magnus was an emotional wreck. He had paced all day, barely eating and eeying his phone as if it held all the darkness of hell and was intended to be a torture device. Which it was... at the moment. Being the bridge that could let him reach Alec, two feet away from hearing the beautiful voice but at the same time, being unreachable and foreign, it was worst than the Devil himself. It was a self-induced pain most definitely but Magnus was venting his frustration by blaming the electronic device.

Chairman Meow had observed him curiously for some time, had meowl for attention and food but soon got tired of this useless human who was supposed to take care of him. He left him with his restlesness without an ounce of pity.

Soon Magnus got exasperated with his childish behavior and left for a long well-deserved shower. He was enjoying the warm sprays, his mind filled of Alec when his hand seemed to move on his own. He quickly was panting with need, his caress reducing him to a moaning mess and he was screaming Alec’s name in a record time. When he came, his arousal coloring the tiled walls of his shower, he felt like hitting himself. God, I’m becoming worst than a teenager who just discovered sex. But then, this random thought brought back Alec to the front of his mind all over again and he was bothered once more. Groaning in complete frustration, he shut the shower and picked a towel from the rack, wrapping it around his hips.

He didn’t have time to dry himself before he heard the door unlock... Panic seized him and without thinking about it, he was running toward the living room to be faced with...

    -        “ Alec?” He said with a choked voice.

His lover hadn’t yet lift his head and was looking at the floor, embarrassed and shoulders hunched. Well maybe he hadn’t been the only one suffering from their forced separation. He looked at his boyfriend intently, his arousal gaining in strenght and his mind ready to blank out in desperate need. He barely heard Alec mumbles.

    -        “Magnus, we need to talk... You haven’t called me in two days and we haven’t seen each other in a week but this can’t wait...” His boyfriend was cut off by his fierce attack.

    -        “Hmph... Mag...” The words turned into a breathless moan.

Magnus knew what he was doing was stupid. He had swore to let Alec be, to try and give the shadowhunter space, as they both needed to figure out what they wanted out of their relationship, or simply if they wanted to keep it going, but when the young man had crossed his threshold, nothing else had mattered than the blue eyed beauty in front of him.

Magnus’s fingers snapped and the door was soon closed and locked. His towel flew away in their frenzy and the young shadowhunter was ravishing him with as fierce a passion as he felt himself. All words had left his lover and they were both lost to their burning needs.