Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Chapter 19 : Of Ashes and Pain
Alec was lurking in the shadows of the Institute. He was slightly hunched and tried to be as unconspicuous as possible. He had drawn silence runes on himself but he couldn’t be careful enough after he saw the crazy look in the Inquisitor’s eyes. She was a dangerous ennemy and Alec did planned to free his parabatai, no matter what. He was on his way to the training room, where he knew Jace was kept captive but had a hard time keeping his concentration. His mind kept wandering to the night before, the utter panic attack he had felt when he had awoken from the daze of the fearless rune. At the moment though, he could feel frustration that Magnus hadn’t let the rune run its course... His lover deserved all ackowlegments Alec could give him, no matter how strangely they could happen. After all, Alec had decided to come out to his parents for his beautiful lover. But it looked like he wasn’t ready yet. Although, through his sadness and fear of losing the love of his life, as Magnus seemed about fed up with Alec, he couldn’t really blame his lover for stopping the onslaught of words that had left his mouth. Magnus deserved Alec to choose him willingly, not forced under the effect of a rune that definitely shouldn’t exist. He remembered how fear had spilled out of him as soon as the rune had worn out. Maybe it had been part of his reaction toward his parents, being dragged back so swiftly into the usual skyscraper’s lenght of fears following him everyday.
- « What did I say? » He had asked of Jace, scared beyond senses.
- « You said you were seeing someone, » His father had told him, still ominous after all these years. « Though you weren’t clear as to why that was important. »
Panic and fear had won the battle again, flowing vividly in his body as if they took revenge for their brief disappearance, and he had stuttered lamely.
- « It’s not. » He had said. « I mean, I’m not seeing anyone. And it’s not important. Or it wouldn’t be if I was seeing someone, which I’m not. »
That had been the worst embarrassing-shameful moment of his life... His resolution of the night before coming back harshly as a slap in his face. He was under shock, disbelief toward his lack of backbone leaving him speechless. And of course, Magnus had saved the day. He really didn’t deserve such a wonderful man.
- « Alec’s been delirious. » Magnus had said, looking at him as if he was dumb for even trying to lie so badly. « Side effect of some demon toxins. Most unfortunate, but he’ll be fine soon. »
Alec had felt like crying and hugging his beautiful warlock at the same time. Would he ever be brave enough to rise up to this level of perfectness? He swore at this moment to spend every second of his life trying to make up for it. He was done hurting Magnus. He couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted the warlock to know that nothing else mattered more than him.
But then Jace had made sure that his parabatai wouldn’t have a chance to make it better. Alec shook the memories out of his head, trying to focus on the task at hand. He had to, yet again, save Jace from his own stupid recklessness. God, his brother was awfully annoying sometimes ! He didn’t even had had a moment to call or see Magnus because of this litte jackass. The Inquisitor had been roaming the Institute as a vengeful ghost, locking down everyone in the Institute. Alec sighed softly, straightening as he came close to the training room door. At least, his « betrayal » had let him free to wander inside the walls of his home, without being prisoner in his own room like Izzy and Max.
As soon as the Inquisitor had told them where Jace had been the night before, Alec had sought his parabatai’s eyes but he wouldn’t meet his gaze. At first, he had felt a surge of anger and almost hatred toward his brother. He had swore Magnus wouldn’t be in trouble because of his night’s wandering. How dare he lied to him? How come Alec had never saw how Jace could be selfish sometimes? He listened to the evil woman bringing down in flames his lover and felt his heart race, anxious that Magnus was losing his reputation with the Clave for him, who couldn’t even tell everyone how he loved him deeply. He didn’t think he could nurture so much rancour for Jace but there it was. Wasn’t he in enough trouble with Magnus already for the blond shadowhunter to add some more? But then, he kept staring, saw the little flickers of emotions on his brother’s face and somehow... understood. Valentine was his father. And nothing would change that. Jace couldn’t stop loving him and wishing for his father’s approval any more than Alec had been able to face loosing his parent’s love. He knew what it meant to hope for things to be different, better, wishing that it didn’t matter to be disowned or inadequate. But it did, it always did.
The Inquisitor kept on nagging Jace and feeding on him as a scavanger crow, making Alec wince with discomfort. Did she have to be so cruel? When she snatched from Jace’s hand the small piece of portal, the last memory of the few days of hapiness he had of his childhood, making his brother bleed, Alec’s anger molded and transformed. But when she broke it, Jace’s sharp intake of breath betraying his pain, his resolve steeled. He wouldn’t let his brother, his closest friend, in the arms of a crazed and blood-thirsty woman. He would do everything possible to avoid it. Even lying... lying better than he ever did.
Breathing deeply, Alec braced himself, knowing he would soon face the wrath, or most likely sarcasm, of his parabatai. But he didn’t mind. He would do anything for the persons he cared about and that’s what he had done. He didn’t regret. So when Jace called out to him, uncertain, he answered calmly.
- “It’s me.”
***
Magnus’s pov
Magnus laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling, again. He seemed to be doing that at lot ever since he let a blue-eyed shadowhunter take quarters within the dephts of his heart. He closed his eyes, winced at the onslaught of painful memories that flood back at him. How could he be so hurt when he had just known Alec would have chickened out as soon as the fearless rune had ran out? He shouldn’t even be suprised but there it was, the gut-wrenching jealousy and sadness that accompanied every scar his boyfriend slashed through his heart. Should he even call him that? Yesterday morning, he had been no more than a lovesick puppy, all ready to forgive Alec everything simply because he had wandered all night; maybe thinking about him, about them, wondering how he felt toward Magnus, realizing he didn’t love Jace? Nonetheless, he hadn’t been better than putty with just a heated and longing glance from his lover... Alec could have ask him to lick his feet and he would have done it. He didn’t know if he should feel disgusted with himself or somewhat happy that after so long, he had come to love someone deeply enough that it overcame just about all of his fears. Of course, with his cursed luck, he had happened to fall for someone who already had his heart set on someone else.
He felt so tired, so deprived and lost. He was sick of this love triangle. Could he really handle it any longer? He didn’t know. He thought Alec was the one who needed to figure out his heart and what place Magnus had in his life but... He was about to break down himself. So much cracks and slashes had taken home within his heart that he felt worn out too. They both needed space, time. If damn Valentine could give them that. So much was going on that it felt silly worrying over his love affairs but he couldn’t help it.
His thoughts were interrupted by the shrilling sound of his cell phone. Unable to contain himself, he raced toward it, hoping, hoping... His heart jolted and stuttered when he saw the caller ID. Alec... He had finally called.
- “Hello?” Magnus answered breathlessly, cursing himself for the stupidity of the word.
- “Magnus?” Alec said hesitantly and suddenly rushed on, without giving him a chance to talk and tell his gorgeous lover how much he missed him and just wanted him to come by and forget about everything they had said before. “Listen, I know you might not be my biggest fan at the moment and that you’re probably very angry with me but... we need your help.” Alec breathed out, crushing Magnus’s heart in the process. Of course, they needed help. Why would his boyfriend call if it wasn’t for that? Bitterness filled his mouth.
- “What now? You decided that goldilocks deserved your time after all? You need me to get him escaped? What happened to the law is the law? It doesn’t apply to me as I’ve already screwed my reputation with the Clave for your damn parabatai? Is that it Alec?” Magnus snapped, anger and pain making his voice harsh.
- “I’m sorry...”Alec said, after a long silence, fueling Magnus’s frustrations even more. When would he stop being sorry and do something about it? Like running down to Magnus’s flat to sweep him off his feet and devour him restlessly until he couldn’t remember why he should be angry with him? “Jace’s already escaped. I took care of that... And believe me, I wouldn’t call you if we didn’t need you.” His lover sighed sadly. Should he be flattered or angry?
- “What do you need?” Magnus finally said, hating himself for it. When would he learn?
- “Valentine captured Maia and Simon to complete the Ritual. Luke and Jace will be going after him and they need you to get on the boat. Me and Izzy will stay behind to try and convince the Inquisitor or my mother to send you support, all the shadowhunters available. The crazy woman expect Valentine to exchange the Mortal Instruments for Jace... but he won’t. And we’ll be there when all fall apart.” Alec explained in a spree, hoping to convince him. But of course, he didn’t need to... Magnus already knew he would do just about anything for his lover.
- “Where do we meet?” Magnus said in a neutral tone. It was business after all, no matter how his heart bled from inside.
- “Jace told me it’s up to you. Somewhere deserted, wherever suit you, whatever you need.” Alec said as tonelessly.
- “Very well, here’s the adress where I need them to meet me.” Magnus answered, already thinking about what spells he needed to get them on the boat as he dictated the adress mindlessly.
- “Ok, got it.” Alec said and Magnus was about to hang out, heart locked out and numb when his lover’s voice stopped him, sounding pitiful and distressed. “Magnus... please take care. I don’t want to... to... lose you. We need to talk. There’s something important I want to tell you. I hope you can give me some time after everything...” Alec’s voice ran dry. Magnus felt his heart pump unevenly and tried to speak without his voice wavering.
- “I’ll be fine Alec. And... we’ll see. Maybe we should talk.” Magnus said, voice choken on the three words that he was drying to spell out; ‘I love you’. But this was not the time, nor the place. There was too much words unsaid lingering between them. Alec’s breath caught and Magnus felt guilty about his cold words. He tried to smooth them out. “I’ll call you if anything happens. Be safe.” He said softly, tenderness leaking through his tone.
- “Ok. You too.” Alec said, a smile in his voice.
When Magnus hung up, he let himself stay still for a second. He thought about his lover’s last words and felt hope again. Maybe, maybe, his relief was closer than he had thought at first...
***
Alec’s pov
Before he knew it, Alec was flying in the air, hurled by the gigantic demon that had tried to kill him. He remembered Jace’s seraph blade, blinding white that had struck the beast. He barely had the time to worry of his parabatai’s fate before he hit the down deck viciously, his head bouncing on the hard metal. The pain flashed through his brain with striking force. Unconsciouness tried to claim him, to swallow the onslaught on his nerves system but he fought it, feeling himself sliding overboard. The icy water swallowed him vengefully and the breath was knocked out of him once again. He moved his pain-stricken limbs with desperation but it was a lost battle. Soon, his brain started to shut down, his supply of air running out. His thoughts scrambled around; Jace, Izzy, his parents... he hoped they would be safe. That they would survive. Even if he knew they were lost. Before death claimed him, a strange calm filled him. Green-gold eyes entered his vision, frantic, pained... Magnus. How he would have loved to kiss him one more time...
Darkness engulfed him.
***
Magnus’s pov
Magnus was frantic. He saw his lover flying over the boat and all he could think about was saving him but he was so... so exhausted. His heart caught in his throat and panic drove him. He couldn’t, wouldn’t lose Alec. He wasn’t ready, would never be ready to face Alec’s death. The thought was choking him, paralysing his very being. He wouldn’t let it happen, not today. Throwing aside any caution, he casted a quick spell on the truck so it wouldn’t sank and dived head first in the filthy waters of the East River. He swam with meaning, even though he hated it, always haunted by his almost drowning. Although, he couldn’t thank the Angel enough for the brilliant stubborness of his friend Catarina, who had forced him to overcome his fear by learning him how to swim. Finding Alec was hard enough but with the help of his magic, he had spot him quickly and dragged him back to the boat. Unable to find enough strenght in his arms, he used magic again to be lifted aboard the truck with his precious package.
He laid Alec gently on the corroded platform of the old truck. His boyfriend was so pale, pale like death. ‘Please, please’ Magnus thought, ‘let him be alive’. He leaned down to listen to his lover’s heartbeat and relieved, he heard it, feeble but present. Rolling his lover aside, he slapped his back vigorously, trying to make him expulse the water. A trickle dripped from his lover’s mouth... not enough. Fighting his overwhelming fear, Magnued laid him back again, insufflating air in the dying lungs. Just when he was about to turn desperate, Alec stirred and spasmed, trying to inhale. His beautiful shadowhunter sat upright and started gaging and choking the rest of the water from his lungs. He heaved in hungry breaths and Magnus could finally breathe himself, almost dizzy with relief, eyes shining from the unshead tears gathering.
The blue eyes finally caught his own, confused and lost, teeth chattering.
- “What – what happened?” Alec said, voice raw and stuggled. Magnus had never heard more delightful sound.
- “You tried to drink the East River.” He said with a dead tone, unable to fight the fear that was still clawing at him. He could have lost him... “I pulled you out.”
Alec was patting himself, trying to find a weapon and gathering his bearing at the same time, or so it seemed, if Magnus could judge by the furrowed brows.
- “Isabelle!” His lover’s screamed. Of course, he would be worrying of his siblings. It was so Alec. “She was climbing down when I fell – ” He muttered. Magnus hurried to comfort him, with the little energy he had left.
- “She’s fine. She made it to a boat. I saw her.” He answered. And then, unable to contain himself, wanting to feel his lover’s skin, just to make sure he was real, he reached out toward Alec’s head. “You, on the other hand, might have a concussion.” He whispered.
- “I need to get back to the battle.” Alec replied him curtly and pushing his hand aside, ripping his heart out in the process. Couldn’t he see how worried Magnus had been? And all he wanted to do was go back there? Make sure he died for real this time? As if it wasn’t enough, his lover kept on in the indifferent’s category.
- “You’re a warlock. Can’t you, I don’t know, fly me back to the boat or something? And fix my concussion while you’re at it?” Alec said eagerly and uncaringly. Magnus had his hand still outstretched as if unbelieving his rejection. He sank back against the truck bed, exhaustion and heartbreak claiming him. His features hardened.
- “Sorry” Alec said, as if his shy nature had caught up with him. Magnus was rather fed up with the word already. “I know you don’t have to help us out – it’s a favor - ” His lover mumbled, to Magnus’s astonishment. How could Alec still believe he wasn’t doing this all for him and only him? Because he loved him, wasn’t it obvious already? Even Alec’s own parabatai could tell. The boy was hopeless.
- “Stop. I don’t do you favors Alec. I do things for you because – well, why do you think I do them?” Magnus asked, hoping against all odd that Alec wouldn’t be clueless. Could he just admit it already, between the two of them, that this, this relationship, was worth saving? Couldn’t he just give him some hope, something to hold on to? Magnus almost felt like crawling, begging for Alec to reach out to him, to them. Could he?
Magnus watched the flicker of emotions on his lover’s face; the doubts, the fears, pain and regret, a hint of despear... and then, resignation. It’s like Alec had given up already. Magnus felt his heart die at this moment. It was useless.
- “I need to get back to the ship.” Alec said with a small voice. Magnus looked at him, too tired and beat to fight. He was done fighting.
- “I would help you.” He said, which was true. Even though it was a one-way love, he could never refuse Alec. “But I can’t. Stripping the protection wards off the ship was bad enough – it’s a strong, strong enchantment, demon-based – but when you fell, I had to put a fast spell on the truck so it wouldn’t sink when I lost consciousness. And I will lose consciousness, Alec. It’s a matter of time.” He said feebly, passing a hand over his face, feeling the walls closing around him, his body calling off his excesses. The emotional roller-coaster combined with the depletion of his magic were getting too much for him. “I didn’t want you to drown.” His heart clenched at the thought, racing wildly. “The enchantment should hold long enough for you to get the truck back to land.”
- “I – didn’t realize.” Alec said slowly, his gaze wandering over him, widening slightly, as if finally seeing him, taking in his exhausted state. At least Magnus could relish in the fact that Alec, at last, showed some worry toward him. Magnus was about to close his eyes and let darkness claim him, leaving Alec with some well-deserved anxiety, when his lover put his hand out. Magnus looked at him questionningly, he was too tired for charade.
- “Take my hands.” His boyfriend said with determination. “And take my strenght too. Whatever of it you can use to – to keep yourself going.” Magnus could hardly believe it. Few moments ago, Alec had only talked about going back to fight, uncaring of Magnus’s fear for him...
- “I thought you had to get back to the ship.” Magnus said cautiously.
- “I have to fight.” Alec whispered strongly. “But that’s what you’re doing, isn’t it? You’re part of the fight just as much as the shadowhunters on the ship – and I know you can take some of my strenght, I’ve heard of warlocks doing that – so I’m offering. Take it. It’s yours.”
And as he stood speechless, Magnus wished Alec would stop making him fall in love with him all over again. How could he ever hope to survive their chaos of a relationship if his lover kept knocking him off his feet, swooning like a teenage girl? He put out shaking hands, pulse racing, and nestled them in Alec’s warmth, seeking the vital force of his lover and driving it toward him. As the blinding energy enfolded him, he felt closer to Alec then he ever had before. There was a deep trust and... affection... running with the flow of energy, leaving Magnus with a deep feeling of completion, as if blending with his lover was natural and meant to be. He sighed in relief, feeling better already.
When he opened his eyes, he hadn’t realized he had closed them, he saw Alec smile feebly at him and then... his lover’s eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back on the metal floor. Cursing himself, Magnus took care of his boyfriend’s remaining injuries, little noises of anxiety leaving his lips. He would never get used to Alec being in pain, or hurt, or near death or... dead. But Alec was mortal... and he would die. One day.
Tears flowed freely from his eyes... He couldn’t do it anymore.
